Exciting Umpire, Boring Match
Every once in a while, a cricket match comes along that makes you believe all your American friends: cricket is really, really boring.
Australia are currently slaughtering Sri Lanka in Brisbane, so much so that the most exciting thing so far for me has been Rudi Koertzen’s glistening new goatee. (Perhaps Rudi thought he needed a change, what with his friend D. Hair’s recent revelations about certain things he should not have said.) Unfortunately, I also just found that he’s actually bald, which makes him look more like an affectionate grandfather than the stern uncle I thought him to be.
This umpire-talk may sound a tad silly, but it’s one of my favorite things about the game. Umpires are usually reviled or praised for their decisions and nothing more, but once in a while, a few come along and impress audiences with their sheer presence: one thinks of Dickie Bird, or Billie Bowden and his irregular signals, and, of course, R. Koertzen. Nothing is more thrilling than to watch him slowly raise his right hand, as he sends a batsman to his slow death. In that one gesture, Koertzen gravely reveals the stakes of his authority: no matter what anyone else thinks, the umpire is the ultimate decider, and he might as well be serious about it.
More than a few people have commented on the cricket umpire’s ultimate on-field status, and the “civilizing mission” he played in the colonial world (sorry; I bring up imperialism far too often for my own good). Using the figure in the white coat, the English quietly taught those restive natives a thing or two about constitutional authority, and the tradition of not showing dissent or disagreement still lives well today. As Habibul Khondker writes:
“Cricket was a tool for civilizing the colonial subjects by spreading the values of Victorian morality and character building. Cricket stands for law and order… The umpire gives you out: out you must go. The man in the white coat is a symbol of constitutional government.”
Of course, when Koertzen does it — with the full import of his actions revealed — well, you can’t begrudge a little authority.
Its just a shame he is South African.